I still haven’t done any of that HomeInstead training reading and if I don’t get it done soon they will take that as my voluntary resignation. And then there are the dishes that haven’t been done since Thursday, the clean laundry all over the floor, the car that looks like a bomb went off inside, the Evensong bulletin to typeset and print, financial paperwork and decisions to be dealt with regarding the baby, doctor’s appointments, student loans to figure out, the check for my bakery work in September to track down (I finally threatened to sue as per MN dept of Industry and Labor.), music to practice for next Sunday, groceries to get, laundry to do, and so many places to be–I burned two tanks of gas last week!
I feel like that’s a puny and mundane list, but every night I go to bed further behind than when I woke up. Mike tells me being faithful just means doing the next thing and not looking at the big picture. So I’m going to try to be faithful to that this week.
These days surviving–making our life and paying for it–seems to take all my time and deep down I’m aching to be composing–just doing SOMETHING that seems like it will have lasting impact or intrinsic value. And yet I know my calling as a mom will be to do the mundane and that’s about it. It scares me, though somehow I think it will feel more meaningful, and I will be more successful, once I’m focused on it, staying home with children, instead of just spinning in all directions burning monstrous amounts of gas and energy. I’ve been reading out of Keep A Quiet Heart every day I can get my hands on it and treasuring the wisdom and encouragement.
OK, that looks a lot like complaining. It probably is, in which case, I’m sorry. I don’t mean for it to be, I just don’t want you to think I’m ignoring you. Just overwhelmed and probably dealing with depression which I think is just rooted in discontentment. I’m pretty sure the only thing that’s going to make things feel better is being content, since this out-of-control feeling is probably a close companion to every mother through life. Enter Josh’s sermon on sin last night–and I know discontentment is sin.