Jacob: March 31, 2011

Dear Jacob,

This morning the Christian radio station made me cry. That doesn’t happen to me very often lately. Nor do I tend to enjoy Steven Curtis Chapman lately. But this morning his song “Magnificent Obsession” started just as I tuned in and it was just what I needed.

The last few days have been a roller coaster for me. I am so ready for you to be born and this pregnancy has gone from comfortable to really rough quite suddenly. But not only is it rough physically, it’s been rough emotionally. There have been half a dozen times recently when you haven’t moved for hours and I’ve started getting nervous. I am no stranger to tragedy – not in my own life, but in lives of those I’m close to. And then there is the woman I know of who lost a baby last year the day before her due date. He was strangled by his own umbilical cord. I heard that story around the time we found out about you and for the most part I’ve been able to dismiss it, but with every passing day in these last few weeks it fights harder and harder for my attention and my imagination goes to work, telling me what that would feel like and look like.

As I drove to the doctor this morning Psalm 119 popped into my head: “It is good for me that I have been afflicted, that I may learn your statutes.” I don’t feel like I’ve been very good at holiness, been very devoted to God, in the last year of my life. I know that His grace in the life of His children makes tragedy a tool of His sanctification, so I know that to lose you would be for my good, and that the only thing that matters is my relationship to HIM – not to you, not to your daddy. And I know, at the end of it all, that I would respond in faith and not in despair and I would grow. So this morning I began relinquishing you to God, giving you up like just another idol.

It was only a few minutes later that I heard the song, and the tears were because it summed up the deepest, most painful, silent cries of my heart. It resonated with me in a way that such devotional sentiments haven’t often, recently, because I’m so cold. But there I was, actually finding his faith an expression of mine. Somehow I let you go and in doing so I realized once again that you’ll never be mine, I can always be at risk of being too attached to you, and that the only thing I care about ultimately is belonging to God and being near Him. I hope that will make me the best kind of mom you could have.

Lord, You know how much
I want to know so much
In the way of answers and explanations
I have cried and prayed
And still I seem to stay
In the middle of life’s complications
All this pursuing leaves me feeling like I’m chasing down the wind
But now it’s brought me back to You
And I can see again

This is everything I want
This is everything I need
I want this to be my one consuming passion
Everything my heart desires
Lord, I want it all to be for You, Jesus
Be my magnificent obsession

So capture my heart again
Take me to depths I’ve never been
Into the riches of Your grace and Your mercy
Return me to the cross
And let me be completely lost
In the wonder of the love
That You’ve shown me
Cut through these chains that tie me down to so many lesser things
Let all my dreams fall to the ground
Until this one remains

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