System Failure

I think my body just tried to shut down. First I thought it was a migraine because of dizziness, then I thought it might be the onset of a stomach bug. Then I started shivering uncontrollably and fell asleep for two hours. Then I woke feeling no more dizziness and maybe even hungry so it seems this is a classic case of my body trying to tell me to QUIT ALREADY. I have gotten terrible sleep for the last month, second only to the first couple months of Jacob’s life, and yet I have been running around like a Super-Mom-on-Crack. So clearly it is time to stop that…

Just a few thoughts.

#1. I have fantastic neighbors. Tonight one of them, my sweet go-to undergrad babysitter, came running when I called her and basically put my babies to bed for me because I was too dizzy to carry Meredith safely. (Mike is always gone on Thursday nights.) Then she came running over again 15 minutes later to take care of a screaming Meredith and put her to sleep in my room upstairs while I sat by the toilet immobile. This girl….Every mom needs one.

#2. I can’t imagine a much more horrible human feeling than a mother unable to care for her babies. C-sections have given me lots of experience of this and tonight was a yukky reminder. Thursday nights are usually special; Mike is gone so I sit by Jacob’s bed and sing 5 or 6 hymns right in his ear. But tonight the kids went to bed at 6:30 with their room trashed and their clothes on the floor where they fell and I don’t even think I kissed them. I tried to pray for them and I sang a couple half-audible lines of a hymn. And then I lay on the couch unable to go to them while Meredith screamed it up. Moms are supposed to be there for those vulnerable people. Always. Oh well. I owe them extra kisses tomorrow.

#3. I love my kids. They both seem to be teething like the apocalypse. Both have drippy noses. Jacob woke crying and pointing in his mouth during his nap and just wanted me to hold him tight. Meredith has boycotted all but one nap each day all week and just cuddles sweetly all day. I was just so touched tonight when I doled out the Worst Bedtime Ever and then Jacob just lay there quietly listening to his hysterical sister like a brave little soldier. And I couldn’t even go kiss him a thank you. After the babysitter removed the offending object I heard him start to sing to himself. He’d signed for more songs and looked so disappointed when I’d given up singing earlier. Oh, that boy. He is just too wonderful.

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3 thoughts on “System Failure

  1. So it was a bad day. Don’t feel guilty. You had Wednesday’s grace on Thursday and you’ll have the Day After grace. You are such a wonderful Christian mother and sometimes I struggle with guilt knowing I didn’t do all the things you are doing. Like Pastor Moon said in his sermon last week,sorry I can’t quote it, but it goes something like this: live free (of guilt) and be a slave to Christ.

    1. Debbie, you are kind. Pastor Moon is so wise, always, always! You raised three dear kids who love the Lord and now two grandbabies who are learning it, too. You have run a great race and you are an inspiration to me. Hope you are doing well – your faith in the face of such heavy trials is a testimony to so many!

  2. Don’t ever discount that your babies are just 16 months apart. Whereas you often have wonderfulness from this, it also makes for harder hard times. Maybe ask a few like Heather Kvale for empathetic advice. Or just keep in mind that your own wonderful mothering is also subject to system failure. This is good, it drives us to He whose grace is sufficient in our weakness. I love you. Carry on.

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